This was taken a few years ago, just one day prior to my Son’s wedding. There are two more addition to this clan, not to mention the fur babies.
I take an antidepressant. It works great. A couple weeks ago, I felt the depression rearing its ugly head, ever so slightly. I followed it. I realized it was grief, staved off by noise, drama, stressful work, all encompassing nursing school, drinking, eating, and over busyness. I have mercifully lived alone, with little distractions, for 3 months. I no longer walk on eggshells at work, and feel moderately competent there, after almost a year. I have no abusive husband or room mates harassing me. I am 18 months sober, and due to my gastric bypass, I no longer over eat. I can breathe. This vacation from stress, helped me realize that ignored emotions were perculating to the surface of my consciousness, hence, the depression. I recently had a moment where I knew I no longer need my therapist, ‘stopped seeing her. I am fully aware of why I’m down, my over commitment to an over committed life. my choices never allowed me to morn the many losses in my life.
I was living in Mar Vista CA in 1973. I hitch-hike a ride to get to Santa Monica City College. I told the male driver I was going to a dance class. After a bit the guy attempted to run his hand up my thigh. I removed his hand with a firm “no”. He said he thought all dancers were horny. I said no, had him pull over and safely exited the car close to campus. I relayed this tale to a fellow dancer, Suzanne. She said if anything, dancers are asexual. Bingo, my initial hearing of the term and an odd fore-telling of my true sexual identity.
I last saw Mr Coffee, Tues. We had an intense conversation, expressing shared interest in one another. I shared information I felt was important for moving forward. He later called, encouraging me not to worry about what I had shared. It was a warm gesture. The next day I texted about his team the Mets. He text back. It’s Sat pm, crickets are chirping, can’t you hear them? I left a voice message, Nada. Oh ya, I also shared at our Tues visit that we would not be getting jiggy with it until his divorce was final… they’re chipping again, even louder, cant you hear them? Live and learn. Don’t even consider a cup of coffee with an unavailable man. Chirp, Chirp, Chirp.
I thought Eat Pray Love was just a travel book. It is more then that. ‘Not sure how many times I’ve misread the book. This read was transformational.
I caught myself complaining about work, several times. Along with the whining came frustration and anxiety. This was leading to major dissatisfaction. I found a blogger on YouTube who was low key, sensible and articulate. She is no nonsense, my type of gal. One of her vlogs hit me between the eyes. It was about being thankful for having a secure job and appreciating having employment in these hard times. It changed my whole take on my job. I no longer feel overwhelmed. I am grateful for my position and found my frustrations quelled. I review that blog periodically to reset my perspective.
I have not blogged since last fall. In that time, quite a bit has occured. Coffee guy is a major part of my life, can we all say fiancee? I’m approaching year 2 at my rewarding and challenging nursing job, and I came close to death. Nothing subtle about my life.
I will tell all regarding Coffee guy in his own, well deserved post. As for the death thing…last November I was feeling a power drain, experiencing spiritual visitations, and going through massive life changes. I took the fatigue as a byproduct of new love, work, and life in general. I felt like semi-hammered shit. I lost my taste for coffee and most food (ya, I should have know I was on death’s door, having a distaste for coffee). Caffeine withdrawal can manifest flu like symptoms, a possible reason for my malaise. Soon after that, I was rewarded with the gift that keeps on giving, (thanx ex husband # 2), genital herpes, with genuine flu like symptoms. All the while, I had mild belly/abdominal pain. I took Tylenol & Advil, alleviating those aches and pain.
Fast forward to January 10th. I had Coffee guy take me to my PA for office visit. I ate and drank nothing prior, and took no analgesics. At office, temp 102°, push to right lower abdominal quadrant,”Ouch.” PA said, “Appendix.”
Sent to ER. Doc there said, “You’ve had these symptoms too long for appendecidis”, (Nov-Jan) . CT scan, not appendecidis, RUPTURED APPENDIX! Ruptured appendix. WTF? How can that be? That diagnosis warrants mind numbing abdominal pain, vomiting, rolling around on floor in agony. I had none of these. I never missed a day of work. OK, I did feel wonky, most of the time, and looked like death warmed over, but kept on with the show.
Enter the Phlygmons. Growths that can show up in our bodies to be harmful or helpful. My duet of phlygmons were of the helpful ilk, encapsulating my ruptured appendix, saving me from possible death. Wild, huh?
I have named my phlygmons, but will save that story for later. I will also explain spirit stuff, hospital/medical experience, and my metempsychosis, post illness in future posts.
Until then, INC..OWW
My whole family Love the Dodgers, win or lose. But hey, ain’t they mo loveable when winning? Ah, ya…duh. Why do they produce so well during the regular season, then choke in the clutch? Is it low hitting percentages or what. Let’s hope they redeem themselves in these last two home games.
I am slowly moving into my own place, I live by myself. It hard to wrap my head around this. It’s been forever since I have done the solo living arrangement thing and I love it. I’ll post more later.